It's only six a.m., why am I up this early? The house is empty, there's no child to feed, even the cats are sleeping (as they do).

I see her laughing and drawing, always drawing, at the bar in front of the sink where I do dishes. I start to cry, hard, and the beans get wobbly.

Looking straight ahead and not too far back or too far forward – my strategy for dealing with the new normal. I straighten up, and the gut punch comes swiftly and unexpectedly.

“How are you?” She’s walking friendly toward me in a Walmart-blue vest. I “hello” back. “Oh, I’m actually talking to the blue jay.”

My mother’s voice, calling out that she has brought friends over to say hello and see our house,
within sight of the ocean. Our clothes are a good distance away by the back door.

I watch myself as I run through the apartment, screaming her name. This is a movie and I am not me but someone paid to be me who doesn’t quite know how to move in my body.